This one isn’t about “the other side”…. at least not yet.
My blogging is typically reflections on moments in my life that have already occurred, and I am solidly standing on the other side of the life event. That being said, I think this is maybe a first for me? I’m standing on the edge, and I’m not even sure that I’m looking over it or out beyond it just yet. I’m just trying to be present with the standing on the edge part right now.
About three weeks ago I did a routine colonoscopy because that’s what you’re supposed to do when you turn 50 (I had rescheduled it twice and couldn’t come up with an excuse to reschedule again). Turns out it’s a really good thing that I followed through because some “cancery” type cells were growing in my gut. Without going into my very limited vocabulary on such things as colons and masses and dysplasias and lesions, etc., a longest wait ever but also a whirlwind resulted in a PET scan, a surgery consult, and a date to have what feels to me like a whole lot of my colon and intestinal track to be removed. Sure, I’m probably being dramatic here, I know that, but as I tell my patients, “it’s your experience; you are entitled to your feelings about it and DO NOT compare it to your perception of others’ experiences.”
So… “what is now?” This is a grounding question I often use in therapy to get people to focus on the present moment and the things they can control when their world seems out of control. Sometimes that can literally be what is in their immediate awareness, like the computer screen, the window, the birds chirping, the keyboard at my fingertips, etc. What is my now?… “Now is: rearranging your entire schedule and plan for the next two months; now is cancelling two highly sought after training opportunities in the two careers you’re balancing; now is figuring out what to expect in this surgery and what occurs after it; now is taking a deep breath; now is enjoying (or trying to) food and wine while you can; now is being so grateful that you have healthcare at your fingertips and this won’t cost you a dime; now is getting in some gardening, finishing some projects, going swimming and kayaking while you can, and feeding your hummingbirds. Those little guys need you and you may have to ask someone else to cover the feeder refills for a few weeks. Actually, come to think of it… you’re going to have to figure out how to let other people take care of a bunch of stuff, and you’re going to have to let go of your sense of responsibility to those you work with on the daily. That means the coworkers and team members, but even harder: the Veterans. Now is also being present with fear. And that’s okay. Fear is normal. Okay, I’m rambling and this is starting to sound less like grounding and more like ruminating.
Standing on the edge is a hard place to be, and it’s a good reminder of what so many people deal with on the daily. The edge is the place where contemplation occurs, information is taken in, and options are considered. Sometimes that involves taking a step back and away; sometimes it means leaning forward to see how far the fall might be or what the landing could look like. It’s the place right before the decision. The edge is part of being human and teaches us to trust that “The Universe is always conspiring on our behalf.” I am on the edge with a couple of different aspects of life right now. But, first I have to deal with this gut issue. Gotta listen to my gut and take care of it first. Take care of me first. <3
