Standing on the Edge

 This one isn’t about “the other side”…. at least not yet. 

My blogging is typically reflections on moments in my life that have already occurred, and I am solidly standing on the other side of the life event. That being said, I think this is maybe a first for me? I’m standing on the edge, and I’m not even sure that I’m looking over it or out beyond it just yet. I’m just trying to be present with the standing on the edge part right now. 

About three weeks ago I did a routine colonoscopy because that’s what you’re supposed to do when you turn 50 (I had rescheduled it twice and couldn’t come up with an excuse to reschedule again). Turns out it’s a really good thing that I followed through because some “cancery” type cells were growing in my gut.  Without going into my very limited vocabulary on such things as colons and masses and dysplasias and lesions, etc., a longest wait ever but also a whirlwind resulted in a PET scan, a surgery consult, and a date to have what feels to me like a whole lot of my colon and intestinal track to be removed. Sure, I’m probably being dramatic here, I know that, but as I tell my patients, “it’s your experience; you are entitled to your feelings about it and DO NOT compare it to your perception of others’ experiences.” 

So… “what is now?” This is a grounding question I often use in therapy to get people to focus on the present moment and the things they can control when their world seems out of control. Sometimes that can literally be what is in their immediate awareness, like the computer screen, the window, the birds chirping, the keyboard at my fingertips, etc.  What is my now?… “Now is: rearranging your entire schedule and plan for the next two months; now is cancelling two highly sought after training opportunities in the two careers you’re balancing; now is figuring out what to expect in this surgery and what occurs after it; now is taking a deep breath; now is enjoying (or trying to) food and wine while you can; now is being so grateful that you have healthcare at your fingertips and this won’t cost you a dime; now is getting in some gardening, finishing some projects, going swimming and kayaking while you can, and feeding your hummingbirds. Those little guys need you and you may have to ask someone else to cover the feeder refills for a few weeks. Actually, come to think of it… you’re going to have to figure out how to let other people take care of a bunch of stuff, and you’re going to have to let go of your sense of responsibility to those you work with on the daily. That means the coworkers and team members, but even harder: the Veterans. Now is also being present with fear. And that’s okay. Fear is normal. Okay, I’m rambling and this is starting to sound less like grounding and more like ruminating. 

Standing on the edge is a hard place to be, and it’s a good reminder of what so many people deal with on the daily. The edge is the place where contemplation occurs, information is taken in, and options are considered. Sometimes that involves taking a step back and away; sometimes it means leaning forward to see how far the fall might be or what the landing could look like. It’s the place right before the decision. The edge is part of being human and teaches us to trust that “The Universe is always conspiring on our behalf.” I am on the edge with a couple of different aspects of life right now. But, first I have to deal with this gut issue. Gotta listen to my gut and take care of it first. Take care of me first.  <3 

Just How Much Are You Worth?

 Admirer to the Artist: “Wow! This painting is so beautiful! How long did it take for you to create this?”

Artist: “72 years.” 

I recently heard this on a podcast in the context of determining one’s worth or value, and I felt like it really resonated with me. As a psychologist, it is difficult (sometimes) to put a monetary value on the hourly rate that we are “worth.” Am I worth $60 an hour? $125 an hour? $200 an hour? More??? 

I’ve struggled with this over the past year and mentally explored many different perspectives on assigning value or worth to what I do for a living. I’ve even calculated the hourly wage with consideration of vacation, sick, and military leave time, and I’ve tried to include the monetary value of the VA’s contribution to my Thrift Saving Plan (I don’t use their insurance but that is a whole other consideration). Of course, these are all just numbers and can be a rabbit hole to which there is no end. 

So, to put the above quote into context: I heard this on a podcast I routinely listen to and the speaker was talking to the listener who was trying to determine what his work was worth. He was trying to give measure to his creativity, effort, drive, motivation, and experience, and the overall tone of the conversation was that he was underestimating his worth. The speaker told this story of a friend of hers who is an artist and had created a beautiful painting. The speaker was admiring the art and inquiring about what it took to create such a beautiful masterpiece! The answer from the artist?.…. 72 years. I snickered and chuckled a bit to myself. Perhaps the painting was actually painted in 72 hours? But the artist had 72 YEARS of experience, creativity, failures, successes, lessons learned, hardships, setbacks, and the development of genuine talent to create the masterpiece along with the wisdom to her craft. 

Years matter. Lived experience matters. And the culmination of all of that is the true definition of your value or worth. It’s still hard to put a dollar figure on that, but at least considering the idea helps me to be a little more generous with myself. 

I know there will be a day when dollars don’t matter…. and some days, that’s today. When I share some wisdom or experience with a young woman in her late 20s or 30s, and I can see the light bulb go off that says, “wait, what? I don’t have to live like this? This isn’t the way it has to be?” I feel like I’ve used my experience, time, and talent to create a masterpiece. 

Observations from the Other Side: of Leadership

 “Good leaders use the tools they have to take care of their people. And they persist… until the job is done.”  -Me

During my time as Chief Psychologist, I was given the feedback “you are so persistent” or “you just never gave up on that” or “wow, I didn’t ever think that would be resolved but you made it happen”…. and the one I appreciated the most: “thank you for doing everything you could to help me and make it right. You have no idea what that means to me.” 

I learned early on that I needed a folder in my Outlook called “Things to Follow Up On.” I would send an email to try to help resolve a situation or problem, and then I would immediately move that Sent email into this folder. I checked the folder about twice a week, and when I would notice that it had been 3-5 days  (or a week? whatever seemed appropriate) since not receiving a response, I would send a follow up email. This was one of my many strategies for ‘taking care of business’ in a work world that has so many excessive and unnecessary barriers to progress. It’s the government…. embrace the suck and find a way to work around it. 

I’m just a worker bee now. A psychologist seeing patients, providing the best mental health treatment I can, and… well, I guess I could still say, “taking care of business.” Just serving a different population… Veterans instead of Employees. 

I am currently serving on a committee that is designed to provide feedback to leadership about what employees need, want, and see as problems within the organization. The process is a very good one while the reality is that many leaders tend to “pencil whip it” (a term I was introduced to in the military). They (and we; I’m guilty of it too) just throw together a response or sign off on something that they don’t really review, understand, or take stock in. As a former boss used to say, we “drink from a fire hose,” which means they don’t pay attention to some of the things that could, actually, reduce some of the fires they deal with everyday. I totally get it, and I empathize… I lived it. 

Too often we hear, “we can’t do that because….” (insert some historical event/process/former leader’s practice). Challenging the status quo is probably one of my strengths. Sometimes strengths can get us in trouble, but I just can’t help myself from asking, “but Why?” If the answer is “because it’s always been done this way” or “the committee has always denied that.” My response is: maybe we need to take a look at how the system is set up; let’s take a look at the policy, the regulation, or the directive, or (at the very least) what’s the right thing to do. 

Great leaders have empathy. And persistence. Maybe even to a fault? I don’t know? where do we draw the line in being “too much” or to “know our place”? The line for this old girl just keeps moving in the direction of taking care of business for the people. Because those people are taking care of the people who matter most: the Veterans. 

Persistence eventually pays off…. never give up. And get the job done. 

“New Year, New YOU!”

SEPTEMBER 2022:

I’ve started this blog post a hundred times in my mind and at least three or four times in actual writing. Plus I’ve kept notes in my phone of thoughts that come up for me as I’m out walking or meditating. Stepping off the career ladder is not an easy thing to do, and it comes with A LOT of thoughts and feelings. I think I’ve run the gamut and am now circling back on those feelings so it’s probably time for me to get some of the thoughts written down. 

Writing is vulnerable for me, and I feel drawn to it. Or, more like a nudge… like I get these little taps on the shoulder and whispers, “you gonna write that down?” or “you should write about that.” Or, “hey, I wonder what would happen if you wrote some of that down?” I’ve listened to all my favorite writers turned podcasters talk about writing and have finally come to the conclusion that I just need to sit down and…. write. 

So, here I am, Universe!! Let’s do some writing again!! 

About what?………

Tomorrow I am going to meet with the photographer who I actually paid really good money to take pictures of me on my 50th birthday. I wish I had snapshots of the reactions of some of my friends when I told them I was doing this. Or my mother. Her reaction was especially priceless. Women just really struggle with pictures of themselves. I’m one of those women so you know… “do the thing that scares you” so I did. 

It was called “The Empowerment Experience,” and it spoke to me because it seemed fitting for where I am in life. As I was approaching 50, I saw an advertisement come across my Facebook newsfeed, and I was really impressed by the appealing words and the studio shots I saw of ordinary women who looked incredibly ‘boss’ in these gorgeous pictures. I really hope that Kelsey transformed me into a gorgeous super model like the other women in her photos. If not, I’ll just know that I can’t quit my day job. 

Speaking of jobs, mine has changed. I guess that brings me back to the origins of this writing because I need to write about how I’ve stepped off the career ladder. Yep. I got about as high as I think I’ll ever go in the VA and decided it wasn’t really for me. I’m not climbing anymore; quietly easing on down those ladder rungs to get a little closer to the ground. To get grounded. 

Leadership in VA is a complicated, multifaceted relationship. ……AND CUT!

JANUARY 2023:

I didn’t publish that first part but this window on my browser has been sitting open for four months waiting for me to finish it. I’ve been contemplating getting back into writing on this blog for months now. I’ve started and stopped several times. I’ve written and deleted. Made notes but never actually wrote about them. Spent hours thinking about it. 

“New Year, New You” they say…. maybe 2023 will be the year I actually start this thing. I have a lot on my mind about leadership and career progression and professional disappointments and reflections on work life. I take daily walks and listen to the podcast “We Can Do Hard Things” by Glennon Doyle, Abby Wambach, and Amanda Doyle, and I am frequently reminded that, in life, we don’t really have to seek out the hard things to do. Life is going to give us hard things, and the real trick is to figure out how to keep life as simple as possible while also feeling fulfilled. 

My work life has changed, and it has not been an easy process to set the ego aside; to not achieve the next promotion; to “just be a therapist” again. But I’m settling into it and finding the benefits of less stress and more time. Hopefully this will mean more writing.