Out of My Comfort Zone....

It's been awhile since I've posted anything new. It's not that I haven't thought about it. Several times I've said to myself, "maybe I'll write about the trip to San Diego," or "I should write something about marathon training," or "just a simple 'a day in the life' blog might be interesting," but I just don't get around to it. I'm not really inspired. Now, here I am on Veteran's Day... that's a new perspective... my thoughts and feelings about actually having an appreciation for this federal holiday that usually just comes and goes in my ordinary life. However, I find myself not really even that interested in writing about it either. So, what's up with that?

Last spring and early summer I had many conversations with my friend, Larry, about being in transitional places. It's a difficult experience to describe, but Larry summed it up so eloquently when he said it is like taking a huge leap from one side of an abyss, an image that to me conjurred up the beautiful cliff known as Hawksbill Craig (Whitaker Point), then being suspended mid-air, and eventually landing squarely on the other side in territory that is unknown; sort of an Indiana Jones-crosses-the-gorge-over-a-raging-river kind of leap. I've felt every inch of that leap in the last six months or so. Now, I've landed on the other side, feet planted, knees bent, toes forward, chin up. After a few deep breathes, I am able to turn around and look at where I've been, and at the same time, I'm having trouble seeing into the distance of where to go from here.

Last weekend I went home and got to spend a lot of time with friends and family. This trip offered me some time to reconnect with friends as the kids had their own activities going on. I got to sit by the fire with Melissa, Kerry, Holly, and Melinda cooking hot dogs while kids (many, many kids!) ran around in the yard, eventually sleeping in a tent Melissa had pitched. I enjoyed margaritas and long conversations about relationships and life with Holly, Larry, and Melinda on Saturday night. I did a beautiful sunset run with Mary and Zoe. I was home. I had a weekend back over on the other side of that cliff where life was about running with my friends, hanging out with moms, and connections. If there's one thing I've learned living in San Antonio, it's that I have some really, really fantastic friends. Colter and I have talked a lot about moving, pulling up the stakes and trekking out into the wide world beyond our comfortable little state, and the difficulties that come with leaving it all behind. It takes a long time to develop the kind of relationships we have with one another... most of them years and years.

Tonight my favorite intern friend and I went to dinner. Again, we commiserated about this feeling we have of dissatisfaction with our internship thus far. I've wondered how much of that underlying feeling of agitation comes from being separated from my kids and how much of it is truly related to the training. I was sitting out on my deck this evening, thinking about my day-to-day experience with internship, wondering about whether I am even suited for this, questioning the idea of even being a psychologist in the military, and I had this sort of epiphany, a quiet thought that seeped in and hung in the air. It came as I was reflecting on practicum and how much I enjoyed working with clients in Springfield- how satisfying that was. I am out of my comfort zone... Can we be totally engaged in a new workplace, a new job, when we're this out of our comfort zone? What would I tell a client if she came to me with this sort of dilemma? I think I'd tell her that she at least needs to consider that it might not be as much about the job as she would like to think it is. Maybe she's just still trying to recover a little from a breathtaking jump over a death-defying gorge?

This weekend brings Mary and Jackie, Margaret and Bob, and Rachel to San Antonio to run the Rock 'n Roll marathon. We're going to take our time, walk some, and just enjoy eachother's company with the only goal being to finish the race. How's that for bringing the comfort zone to Texas!

"It's My Pleasure"

This morning I am sitting in a hotel room in Washington D.C. I am on a "TDY" (training-something-something) for ten days to learn about deployment psychology. Basically, that includes all aspects of deployment from the soldier's experience to our own as psychologists with a specific emphasis on training us to provide evidence-based treatments for PTSD. Mostly the training has been rather boring (powerpoints), but we did get to tour Walter Reed Medical Center. I'll get to that, but first I want to tell you all about the experience of traveling in uniform.

Capt. Smith, Capt. Cassidy, and I decided to wear our uniforms traveling to D.C. because we were trying to get through the trip without having to check a bag. Boots take up a lot of room in a suitcase. In San Antonio where military personnel are a dime a dozen, we are not really even noticed so I forget how much one stands out in uniform. I mean, at home I can wear my uniform to the grocery store and can guarantee I will run into at least a couple of other people in uniform. However, in Dallas they are not as used to seeing people in uniform. Maybe it's because people in the Dallas airport are from so many different places, but we were thanked several times for our 'service'. We agreed that this puts us in a bit of a moral dilemma. How do we respond? What do we say? We're not so sure we deserve 'thanks' at this early point in our military careers and there is an assumption that people seem to make because we're in uniform (the assumption being that we have actually done something!). Do we say "you're welcome"? Or respond with the natural inclination to say "thank you" back? After much discussion we decided the best response would be, "my pleasure." This response both acknowledges the person's gratitude and does not take credit for a service we don't really feel as though we have provided (at least that's what we came up with!). So we tried out our new response as we strolled through the airport. One very energetic gentleman grabbed my hand, shook it excitedly, and expressed his just-short-of-tearful appreciation for what we were doing. I refrained from explaining to him that I'm just a psychologist and at this point had only been soaking up government dollars (just this trip is costing you all, the taxpayers, around $3500!). However, the event that left us all speechless was when we requested our check from our lunch at Chili's, and the waiter told us that our tab had been taken care of by a 'grateful American.' Still just writing that I feel a heaviness and a sense of awe. The kindness of people is amazing. We walked around with our jaws dropped for several minutes after that one and rationalized it by telling ourselves that someday we may very well be deployed, which will give us an experience to make us feel as though we might actually deserve this.

Speaking of those who deserve the appreciation that the grateful American expresses, I got to see several of those real soldiers at Walter Reed. The day started with lectures, but by mid-morning we were observing the instructor do an interview with a traumatic brain injured patient. This young man is 33-years-old and his beautiful and articulate 27-year-old wife sat with him on stage as the interviewer asked questions about his 15 months in Iraq and the blast that took his left arm as well as his memory of his college days (and Iraq). Patrick is lucky to be alive. Kat has grown up a lot and is now married to a different person who she will spend the rest of her life caring for. It was gut-wrenching to listen to them tell the story of just how close to death Pat came especially since the blast happened in the very last week of his tour and he had volunteered to go back out on this brief mission. He regrets not just staying in the office that day. The anger, the grief for a life together they lost, and optimism about the future was palpable in the room as they spoke. Pat was an English major in college, a left-handed writer, who joined the Army after 9/11. After watching this couple, I realized that one of the most difficult aspects of TBI is that it robs a person of their personality. Kat is loving a different man than she married. She too is a warrior.

At lunch I observed several amputees in the cafeteria getting their trays, paying for their food, and making their way through an ordinary day at the hospital, probably one of many. There was one young man in a wheelchair. He had lost both his legs and both of his arms. I tried not to stare, but I watched as he managed to get his tray on his lap, balance the plate of food, and still fix his own drink. I resisted the urge to help, knowing this is his journey; his work. Another gentleman was on crutches with both his left leg and left arm missing. Looking in the faces of these guys, I saw a determination to carry on with life that conveyed a sense of, 'today is just another day'; no different than the faces I see walking down the streets of Washington D.C. Ordinary yet so different. It was awesome to see the state-of-the-art facility that is Walter Reed. If you ever want to see government dollars put to good use, just go visit that hospital. They have facilities to train these guys to not only get back to tasks like walking, running, and driving, but also to do the things they enjoy like hunt and fish in wheelchairs or with prosthetics. The people who work there are so enthusiastic about what they do. I felt proud to be an American. Humbled to be considered a soldier.

So... now when I get thanked in the airport, I have a point of reference. I know who these grateful Americans are thanking, and I can think of these guys as I respond... "it's my pleasure."

Welcome to Texas!

So, I've been meaning to get another blog written but haven't had time. I told myself, "no more fun time on the computer until the data for the dissertation is all in!" The spreadsheet is done!! Now I have time to write about my run last weekend...

I got up early and drove out to Medina Lake. Being a girl who grew up in the Ozarks where lakes and rivers were aplenty, I have found myself wishing for tall trees and natural, unchlorinated water. It was dark, but as I drove I came across a bridge that had water below. I knew this had to be the place! I drove out about another 7 or 8 miles. I was still not seeing a dam or a lake as the map had predicted, but, at this point, I needed to get running so I pulled off the barely traveled road to park. I headed down the road toward the river. There were very few cars and probably only about four or five houses along the 8 miles it took me to get down to the river. It was very nice and very much like home (except I had to pretend the trees were taller!). I saw about 10 deer! Again, much like home. As I was running down the hill leading to the river, off in the distance I could see the lake! Beautiful! It looked sort of like Table Rock- lots of bluffs/rock along the edges. I couldn't wait to get there so I could see it up close. Much to my disappointment as I approached the river, I saw several "NO TRESSPASSING" signs and the river had a fence around it. Huh? A river with a fence? That's weird. Now that I think of it, everything had a fence. The few houses I saw had fences around them. The pastures... all fenced. As a matter of fact, even the deer were residing within a very tall fence. I stopped on the bridge and admired the view of the river, wishing I could get down there and dip my hands in to wipe away some of the sweat that was accumulating on face (salt in eyes = not good when running). I headed back up the hill, making a turn to the right in the direction of the lake. I ran another couple of miles, thinking I would eventually get to the lake. Nope. I made it to a 'T' in the road that had a big fat sign saying, "No public access; private property only." Hhhhmmm.... so where does a girl go to see some water around here? I headed back to my car, finished my run, and as I was driving back toward the highway, I came across a road where I could turn to the left and see the lake. Here it is! I turned down this road and was promptly met by a woman on a golf cart. She informed me this was private property, a resort, and they weren't taking any guests. I apologized and explained that I just wanted to see the lake. With a warm smile and a generous spirit (sarcasm), she indicated I could park and take 5 minutes to look at the lake. I did just that, walking down the hill to get a better look. As I was leaving, I stopped at the golf-cart-guarded-gate and asked if there were any public access places. The nice, Texan lady (sarcasm) informed me that the lake was privately owned by all the landowners around the lake. Only the water was public, and you can't get to the water without going on the private owners' property. "Interesting," I said and explained how I was from Arkansas and pretty much all the lakes and rivers are accessible to anyone. She informed me that this property had been in her husband's family since 1910, and all the landowners had gone in together to build the dam (that's the dam I was thinking I would run across; Table Rock style, WRONG!). I whole-heartedly thanked the lady for allowing me to look at some water and for the history lesson. She cautioned me about running along the roads here (she has no idea how many dangerous highways I've run on), and she informed me that parking along the side of the road could result in me getting met with a shotgun. Welcome to Texas!!

Eventually, I wandered into the little town of Castroville. I found an inn... where I was able to pay $3.00 to access the Medina River. The inn was on the national register for historic places (The Landmark Inn for those of you who know something about Texas or historical places). I got the tour and then was able to enjoy a leisurely walk on the grounds. I scoped the place out quite well, and when I realized no one else was walking the grounds, I took my big chance. After getting up the gumption, I stripped down to undergarmets and jumped in! It felt AWESOME! I hurriedly got out due to my fear of snakes and the fact that I couldn't see the bottom of this river. I felt vindicated! Finally, I got to swim in a Texas river! Refreshing!!

On a completely different note, my brother, niece, and Austin came to visit me this weekend. We went to the Shlitterbahn (I think that's how you spell it?). Texans have gotten so savy with their water use. These folks in New Braunsfel have figured out how to take ordinary river water and turn it into a water park! Yes, unchlorinated water is piped into water slides and pools for lots (and lots and lots) of people to use. I was actually wishing for chlorine. The park is built along the Comal River, and you can see the people riding down the river on tubes. Google this activity... this tubing thing. You will not believe the numbers of people who float around on these tubes! And we complain about tourists on Memorial Day at the Buffalo! It's very interesting.

And, finally, in Texas everyone has a tattoo. Period. Not much else to say about that... I'm starting to think they're born into the world with these tattoos. If you're under the age of 18, then you get the almost permanent ones. All sorts of things on their bodies- names, dates, memorials to dead grandmas, and, my personal favorite, Jesus: black velvet style. You know what I'm talking about... those velvet "paintings" that are sold on the side of the road. That Jesus. You might also conjure up your favorite image of Jesus on a plate; except think about it on the side of 300 pound guy's leg. :)

Gotta love me some Texas!

Healthcare in the Military

Since healthcare seems to be the topic of the day (unless, of course, Michelle Obama's shorts-at-the-Grand-Canyon is of more interest to you), I thought I might blog about my recent experiences with both the medical and dental services provided by the U.S. Air Force.

On Tuesday I had my first dental appointment. I arrived at the dental clinic, signed in, and waited for a mere five minutes before being called back by a young girl not a day over 21. We made our way to X-ray so the military would have dental records to identify my.... okay, we won't go there... The young girl took the panoramic picture and turned me over to an older lady who promptly tortured the inside of my mouth by making me place these gigantic hard plastic pieces vertically into my very tiny jaws. When she could see that I was at the point of tears, and there was no way I could bite down on this plate, she rubbed this gummy numbing stuff all over the inside of mouth. Well, I was finally able to bite down, but I was unable to feel the inside of my mouth for the next 15 minutes. Drooling, I was led to the examining room where the young man (dentist) conducted his oral cancer screening and examined my teeth all the while jamming to Guns-n-Roses "Sweet Child of Mine" in the background. I can say, I've never had a dental exam with Axel Rose serenading me. Then, he (the dentist, not Axel) proceeded to tell me his life story in the AF. I was shocked by how much time I got to listen to this guy- apparently there is something about me that says, "tell me your problems." The whole process took an hour of my day (still paid by the AF), and I was scheduled for a cleaning two weeks from now.

As for medical, I made a primary care appointment so I could begin the process of getting fitted for orthotics due to some foot pain I've been experiencing. I figured, "why not? the government is paying!" I had to drive over to the Army base to get a next-day appointment. When I checked in, there was no paperwork. No insurance card, no medical history form, no sign-over-your-first-born-child. None of that. I wondered, "is this what socialized medicine is like?" There also wasn't plush leather furniture or a flat screen T.V. in the waiting area either. The building was rather old, but clean. Interestingly, the PA I saw was from Flippin, Arkansas! Go figure! She seemed a little ashamed of the fact, but I was just so excited to meet someone from that close to home! She wasn't as chatty about it as I was.

All in all, it was a good experience. The bottom line: it was FREE. I got free dental and medial care, and it looks like there is more to come. For someone who hasn't been to the dentist in three years because it would cost nearly $100, I was really impressed (although I have this slightly uncomfortable cut on the inside of my jaw from that shard of plastic!). I have to say, it is very reassuring to know that my medical and dental needs will be met. I felt some "survivor's guilt" for all those uninsured Americans, my former brethren, who could rest much better at night (and maybe be more productive citizens) if they knew their basic healthcare needs were being met.

Did I mention I didn't have to wait to see this medical professional? In and out in 25 minutes. That's efficiency... for socialized medicine. :)

In honor of Lance Cpl. Travis Babine

"Marine Lance Cpl. Travis T. Babine, 20, San Antonio, Texas, died Thursday, Aug. 6, 2009, while supporting combat operations in Farah province, Afghanistan; assigned to the 2nd Battalion, 3rd Marine Regiment, 3rd Marine Division, III Marine Expeditionary Force, based out of Marine Corps Base Hawaii, Kaneohe Bay."

It has been a very interesting day....

We started with PT at 7:30am this morning (I love it that the Air Force pays me to run/workout three times a week for a total of 4.5 hours per week!). By 9am we were informed that a marine who recently died in Afghanistan would be returned to San Antonio where his mother, a civilian, works at Kelly Air Force Base. They were requesting that service members who were available go to Kelly AFB at noon to line up in honor of this fallen soldier as his body would be brought back to the states for burial. They informed us on how to salute the motorcade and that the plane bringing the body would be arriving at 12:55pm. Well, this, of course, was my first experience in being a military member honoring a fallen soldier. Come to think of it, this was my first experience period in being present during a procession for a military member. Would it be really bad of me to say I wish I'd had my camera? The snapshots are forever in my mind.

We arrived at 12:15pm and sat in the car for as long as we could since it was 100 degrees outside. We began lining up about 12:25pm, and one of my fellow squadron members (psych nurses, psychiatrists, techs, etc.) said the plane was to land early at 12:36pm. I selfishly thought, "good, because it is hotter than Hades out here!" We walked a good quarter to half mile to make our way, as a group, to the beginning of where the motorcade would pass. I was told the line of service members stretched over a mile long. Mostly it was AF members, but I did see some Navy and several retired Marines. People were passing out flags, and others had brought their own. There were quite a few civilians there. Most of them were probably friends and family of members present with them. The mental health people entertained ourselves by playing the telephone game since we had to wait for over an hour before we saw any "action." You remember the telephone game, right? We all decided we really had very good communication skills. About 1:30pm a woman across the street from me passed out due to the heat (the "action" I was referring to). That was a little freaky! Of course, since I was there with several doctors I didn't feel compelled to display my new life-saving skills (although it was a good moment to sort of run through those in my mind... "airway, breathing, circulation.... now how many breathes per chest thrust?"). Not long after this incident, the motorcade was spotted, which took the spotlight off the poor girl who was lying on the ground across the street. I kept my eye on the guys within my peripheral vision to my left as they would be my guide in when to come to attention, salute, and how long to hold the salute. This whole saluting business stressed me out a bit, interfering somewhat with my ability to really take in the moment. I felt myself sort of standing outside my own body for a minute, realizing that I am now a member of the United States military saluting another member who has given his life in the service of his country. He has a mom.... I saw her. He has other relatives.... maybe brothers, sisters, cousins, perhaps a father in there too. I could see their faces pained with grief over their loss, but also in awe of what they were experiencing. Hundreds, maybe a thousand(?), people showing up to honor their loved one. I could see a sense of pride on their faces as they were beginning to pass by all these people who had lined up, standing in the scorching heat of south Texas, to pay their respects to one of their own. After the family, there were some very official looking cars, and I was quite proud of myself that I noticed the license plate on the front of a General's car, saluting at just the right moment! Then, the really cool part.... the patriot guard riders. This was a gang of motorcycles, maybe 30 or so, that all were carrying flags. They were decked out in their leather and skull caps, riding in honor of this marine and his family. We saluted them too (but I think it was a requirement due to the flags- I, however, like to think I was saluting the fact that they were men/women enough to wear chaps in 100 degrees!). The whole event was over within just a minute or two, but it was something I'll never forget.

So this evening in preparing to write this, I went online to look up this young man's name and learn more about him. I was shocked to see just how many people are dying every single day over in Afghanistan. Why do we not hear about this? Google it sometime... read their stories. Some are military members, some are civilians working there, and some are Afghanies (did I spell that right?) working on behalf of counter-terrorism. Gee... just writing that I'm starting to feel like I'm being converted.... I'll reframe it and just say that maybe my perspective is shifting.

It was an interesting day in the Air Force today. One I will never forget.


Addendum: Because I am technologically-challenged and was not able to figure out how to make a comment on my own blog, I am adding this in response to Bill's comment. By the way, if anyone knows how to help me with this problem (not being able to comment on the blog), please let me know. Thanks!

Bill,

I'm speechless.... you don't know me so my friends and family will tell you that doesn't happen often. What an honor to know you came across my blog although I have to say I was quite surprised. I guess the world is smaller than my little mind recognizes sometimes.

Having a 16-year-old son who says he wants to join the military and having recently joined myself, I feel for you, your family, and Travis in a way I would never have been able to before. Obviously, you all have been in my thoughts (hence the blog) and continue to be. I would enjoy knowing more about Travis if you want to share (or direct me to a blog?). I think our world needs a better understanding of who the people are who are losing their lives in this mission.

Peace,

Mandy

A Hodgepodge of Information

Wow! So much has changed since I last posted!! I am now in San Antonio and have been for the past six days. We started internship on Tuesday, and we got a "day off" today to take care of personal business (i.e. unpack houses, take care of turning on utilities, etc.). I had a head start so today has been a pool day with Emily. She and mom came to SA last Friday and worked on getting the house together for my arrival on Saturday. I feel like there is so much to write about that I don't know where to even start....

The End of COT: After much marching practice we weren't sure whether or not we would get to (have to!) do the parade because there was a 70% chance of storms that morning. Honestly, I was praying hard for rain although I felt a little guilty since so many people had family who had arrived just for this event. Their prayers won out, and we got to march. I was also a winner (sarcasm) because I got to drive from Montgomery to Baton Rouge, Louisiana, in hurricane-type weather. The rain was unbelievable, and ensured that I did not do something stupid like try to drive all the way to San Antonio. I stayed the night in Beaumont, Texas, eating dinner at a Taco Bell with some of the cutest little Texan children talking in their adorable accents. I asked one of the boys how far it was to Houston, and he promptly told me, "Maaaa'ammm, it'll take ya a good hooourrrr and a haaaaf." Or something like that.... I'm can't write in Texan, but you get the drift. They have dehumidifiers in the hotel rooms in Beaumont. That town had to be the most humid place on Earth!

Worthington: Starting with Emily, several of you (my loyal readers) have commented on my friendship with Worthington and have begun to play matchmaker in your little minds. I laugh to myself (ha,ha,ha!), and I thought I would fill you in.... Worthington is gay. Ha!!! Just kidding... not in the military (at least we don't ask, right?). Actually, Worthington is married with five kids, and he is Mormon. They don't do that multiple wives thing anymore either! His religion made for some very interesting conversations while on those long runs, and I have a whole new respect for those guys who show up at the front door on Saturday mornings when I'm trying to enjoy my coffee and newspaper. Did you know those guys have to go away from their families for two years after high school, being sequestered for months at a time, to learn how to do all that? Of course, they learn more than just how to ring a doorbell and politely hand out literature. I was really amazed at the depth of their education about the church and the dedication these folks have to their version of God. Worthington indicates (both in word and action) that the Mormon church is non-judgmental about other religions, and we discussed some of those "hot-button topics" like homosexuality. Anyway, I won't bore you with the details, but I just wanted to inform you all that my best COT friend was a guy.... a married guy. :)

Lackland: This Air Force base is practically a major city. The hospital is huge and there is about everything on base that a person could need/want. From horse stables and veteranarian clinics to fast food restaurants, pools, bowling alleys, and hiking trails, you can find anything at Lackland. Why even go to San Antonio? They even have auto shops to get your car serviced, and they will drop you off at your place of employment and pick you up at the end of the day! It's amazing!! I've completed two full days of orientation, and I think we will continue to orient and sign paperwork through the end of this week/early next week. My security clearance got messed up so I get to re-do paperwork tomorrow. I'm still unclear as to whether I have some big Top Secret clearance or if I have no clearance at all. They won't tell me.

GPS: Who invented this system?? I want to kiss that person!! I would totally be insane right now if it weren't for my Garmin! Although at times I think the thing is screwing with me- taking me home via different routes. Still, I couldn't do this and have a hair left on my head if it weren't for the GPS.

Alright... I've got a hungry girl here so I better rustle her up some grub! (I'm working on my Texan). We can cook it outside on the concrete since the temperature is well into the 100s! My car said 116 today!

I will try to keep the blog going. It's been a fun way to keep up with you all and stay connected. Thanks for inquiring and continuing to read it. :)

It has been a very restful weekend with a lot of good laughs and good food!! This is more what I thought COT was really going to be like. Worthington and I went on a long run this morning through downtown Montgomery. We got to practice some of our newfound "deployment" skills when we crossed to the "other side of the tracks" and encountered gunshots! Don't freak out (although I sort of did!), we didn't see anyone, and the shots could have come from quite a ways away. However, we quickly decided it was time for us to get our white asses back over to the more civilized side of town (i.e. no bars on the windows or abandoned factory buildings). Worthington lived in NYC for several years so he wasn't quite as shaken as I was. It was a nice run though. Then a bunch of us enjoyed an artery-clogging breakfast at the Waffle House. I've lazily played around on the internet this afternoon, posting more pictures on Facebook. We'll go to dinner this evening off-base before we are again sequestered from the rest of society for five more days.

So, most of my postings have been a little sarcastic, bordering on critical of the Air Force. So, today I think I'll write about the video we got to see last week that sort of changed my perspective of why we're here. You might be able to find this video on Discovery Channel.com as it was produced by them. It is a documentary of some soldiers lives in Iraq, and it chronicles the experience of working in a medical setting during the early part of Operation Iraqi Freedom (or Enduring Freedom? One of those freedom missions?). This video is hugely eye-opening, and it really gave me a sense of how this choice I have made to join the Air Force is one not only for the financial security and the training opportunity, but also for the chance to serve some real heros. The Air Force's motto is, "Integrity first, Service before self, and Excellence in all we do." When I watched the video, I felt an overwhelming sense of pride and humility at the daunting task of trying to help these men and women who have risked their lives and endured witness to some horrific acts in their efforts to carry out the mission they have been commanded. There have been several philosophical debates about the propaganda we have been presented regarding war and our need to be "ready for war," but this video brings home the fact that in the midst of war there are individual lives that are forever changed as a result of the losses they endure. I felt terribly inadequate as to how I would even begin to work with these people, especially in the conditions that these doctors and nurses were working under. At the same time, I imagined how easily it could be any one of my new friends/flightmates who are in the position of these soldiers. Because of the video, I began to see how the motto and the propaganda (some of it at least) applied to me. Maybe I'm beginning to recognize a higher purpose for why I am here. It was difficult to keep the tears back while watching the video... I really felt for these people and their families. Maybe that's propaganda too? But, I don't think so.

On Friday I will drive out of here, and although the Air Force does not teach us the mourning phase of group dynamics (they leave that one out, focusing on forming, norming, storming, and performing for you psychology folks reading this), I am starting to think about the bonds I have made with some of these people and how difficult it will be to say goodbye. After only a month, we've become very good friends (maybe that's because we've spent every waking moment together for the past four weeks!). Some of us will go back to the life we left, and others, like me, will be moving on to something completely new and foreign again. Change is hard.... no matter if it's a change from a life known for the past four years or the change from something laid down in four weeks. I anticipate more down time for reflection and emotion once I arrive in San Antonio. However, I know I'll have the support of some really fantastic friends- both old and new.

AEF (don't ask me what that stands for?)

Me on the Ropes Course (the one on the left hugging the pole)



Me on the Rock Wall



This is us!

That's Worthington on my left and my roommate, Helena (or Swank as she's known here) on my right. Shannon, who I mentioned before, is behind me to the left.

We just returned from our little camping trip out into the woods. Okay, not exactly woods. Mostly a white chat area with about twenty tents on concrete pads settled near an air-conditioned bathroom/shower, and a pavilion that is large enough to seat 330 people. Did I mention the tents were all air-conditioned? :)

Our experience really was not bad at all (as I'm sure you're already thinking). We did three major activities: litter instruction, EMEDs, and ropes course. Litter instruction is where they train us in how to go out into a field of dead or semi-dead bodies, load said bodies onto these stretchers, and hurry them into the awaiting emergency vehicles. However, they didn't actually have us practice this task, which sort of defeats the purpose if you ask me, but I wasn't complaining. Instead, I enjoyed the two hour nap we got in the morning because this training was so short. Then in the afternoon, we did EMEDs. This involved setting up a hospital in a bunch of tents where we got to "play" hospital along with security outside:

Don't fret, those aren't real guns; nor was that real blood.

I opted, as always, for the easy role: victim of depression. This academy award winning performance came with NO BLOOD and merely some suicidal ideation. I was able to work up some tears (not hard to do these days), and I managed to avoid getting too messy. Because my character only required my acting skills (and no make up), I utilized my waiting time wisely: taking an afternoon nap. Yes, friends, AEF was quite good to me. I slept more here than I have in the past three days!

We also did a ropes course where we walked out on a beam exactly like a telephone pole about four or five stories high. You can see the beam and a person walking in the background of the group picture. Most people held on to the harness for dear life. I managed to get brave enough to hold on with only one hand. We also did a ropes course, a rock wall climb, and repelling. Again, as the "old woman" of the bunch, I was very proud to be able to do the wall climb almost all the way to the top. Only two other girls were able to get that high, and several of the guys couldn't make it either. I'm sure I'll pay dearly tomorrow when my back and forearms are killing me. Honestly, it was a really great experience! A huge confidence builder. There's nothing like standing on a three by three platform attached to a pole with 20mph winds blowing and knowing you're getting ready to walk out onto a wire.

The worst part of the whole experience was eating MREs for five of the seven meals. Have you ever tried to drink coffee out of a ziploc baggie? It can be interesting. I became very resourceful and saved my styrofoam cup from dinner last night so that I could use it this morning. The weather was great for July in Alabama! The high was upper 80s, low about 70.

Okay, gotta run... Worthington and I are going to.... run! :)

Sorry about the crappy formatting on the pictures. I'm having trouble figuring out how to embed all these pictures. Anway, you got the point!

Love you guys!!!!

Corona, anyone?

This week has been very busy (as if the other two weeks weren't?). I've figured out a way to stay awake during the never-ending lectures: sit by Worthington. The lectures are much more entertaining when I have someone to bounce my thoughts off of. For instance:

Lecturer: The birth of the U.S. Air Force occurred on September 18, 1947
Me: Interesting, Worthington, the Air Force is a Virgo!

Thoughts like this keep us both laughing, which we have to contain, which requires a great deal of energy, which then keeps us awake. Nice strategy, huh.

I'm feeling a little more like myself today. Last night I got to wear real clothes and have a real beer! Yes, folks, we now have off-base privileges so a group of us went to the bowling alley last night. I did not bowl, but I enjoyed onion rings (with lots of ketchup!) and a couple of Coronas. Wow! Those things really go to your head when you haven't had one in nearly a month! It was a great time getting to laugh and hang out with the guys (and one girl, Shannon, she's my favorite girl here). Worthington and I did a five mile run around the base this morning and the weather was absolutely perfect for July in Alabama. We're planning to go off base tomorrow morning and do a longer run. Today will involve studying for a test we have on Monday (although I am finding many procrastination opportunities this morning!).

I am very proud to say that I scored 100% on my fitness test!! I got that mile and a half down to 11:46 (11:54 was the best you could score) and did 55 sit ups and 36 push ups in one minute. Mary, you are the bomb! I couldn't have done it without all your training over the past year or so! I was one of only two females in my squadron (about 100 people) who scored 100%!!! The other girl was quite young! Horray for us "older" women!! :)

I've lost four pounds and one inch. However, I think the Air Force may fudge this a little bit because Worthington says there is no way he has lost nine pounds and four inches. I think they pad it so that we'll feel like we're accomplishing something.

This past week we got to do a WELPS course. I have no idea what WELPS stands for (the Air Force only talks in acronyms and even our flight commander doesn't know what they mean half the time). This activity involved using a compass to determine directions to go based on a scenario. I, of course, was not the compass-user for our group, but I did get to display my expert high-crawl techniques. Thank God I put those awful knee pads on because we literally had to crawl around on the grass for over 20 minutes! I know you're thinking, "big deal? crawl around on the grass?" If you doubt that this is difficult, go out in your yard when it's 95 degrees, strap on some knee pads, and crawl around for awhile. 20 minutes is an eternity! However, I would rather crawl around on the grass than sit in that wretched auditorium! We all agreed WELPS was better than lecture.

To keep things interesting for you, I'll throw in a little foreshadowing. Next week... two nights away from my comfy little bunkbed... camping. Yes, we will be in tents next week for AEF (or is it AEC? I can't keep up?). I'm sure there will be some stories to tell. I'm not looking forward to the primitive showers and the port-a-potties.

Finally, I'm happy to report that my wonderful sponsor in San Antonio got all my stuff moved in to my new house! I can't wait to get there!!

Aletha, I loved the song and happy anniversary!
Brandi, keep up the running!! You can do it!! :)
Lucia, thank you for the postcard! Love the picture!
Mom, thank you for all the cards... sometimes you make me tear up! I'm keeping my chin up.
Everyone, your thoughts and prayers are much appreciated. Your comments help me to feel connected!! Love you all.

Carry on.....

Death by Powerpoint

Today was the never-ending day of powerpoint presentations in the auditorium where all 330 of us pile in, raising the room temperature by at least ten degrees, and attempt to keep our eyes open while being bored into oblivion by the history of the U.S. Air Force. I don't know what's worse, drill or "the big red bed" as the auditorium is affectionately known. During break one of the guys in my flight said he remained alert by counting the number of seconds between people's coughing with the record for longest time being a mere 12 seconds. Upper respiratory infections are plowing through our group like ants at a picnic. Little germs are setting into all these compromised immune systems. So far so good for me. I've doubled up on Vitamin C, and I'm hoping the running will help prevent me from getting sick. I did another 6 mile run on Sunday morning with Worthington and three others. This morning we had a thunderstorm, which kept us from any physical activity. I don't like it when we don't get PT in the morning because I think it really helps me get through the day. Today we had our second exam so having an extra hour to study wasn't too bad. I made a 94% on the test! I was shooting for 80% so I'm quite pleased. My motto: all you gotta do is pass!

Yesterday I had the luxury of going to the BX. I got to eat FRENCH FRIES!!! with KETCHUP!! at my own pace! Wow! I'm really learning how to appreciate the little things in life. I've just about mastered the art of going back to sleep after the 4am ROTC wake up. We don't actually get up until 4:30am, but because I'm in the ROTC dorm, we are awakened when their bugle call goes off.

On a brighter note, my household goods (that's AF talk for "all your stuff") will be arriving at my new home in San Antonio on Thursday evening. It will be moved in and ready for me when I get there on July 31st/Aug. 1st. I spoke to my new neighbor, Mitch, on the phone last night. He sounds like a very polite young man (as do they all because everyone is so conditioned to say "yes sir, yes ma'am"). I also talked to my landlord, who is traveling with her two children, dog, and two cats on a plane to Japan right now. I guess things could be worse.

As always, I love your comments. Keep 'em coming!

Off to bed....

"Sir, May I Make a Statment?"

So the title to this entry reflects the absurdity of the specific language we must use to address our superiors here at COT. Every statement, question, or response to a question must begin with the word "Sir" (or Ma'am; although most of the Ma'ams here could pass as Sirs!). Additionally, the statement "Will that be all?" which must come at the closing of every interaction with staff, must be followed by a "Sir." Finally, "thank you" is one of those semi-optionals: my observation is that it can have a Sir on the beginning or the end. I like to sandwich it just to make sure I've covered all my bases. We also must offer the greeting of the day to anyone and everyone we pass in the hallway or sidewalk. This involves keeping up with the exact time of the day because if you say "Good morning, Sir" to some of these folks at 1pm you cannot use the excuse that you're living on eastern time. You'll get corrected and sometimes yelled at. This is a ridiculous process when you imagine 330 students passing eachother in the halls all saying "Good morning" at the same time. I'm being passive aggressive and only saying it when I absolutely have to (to staff), and then when I do, I don't look at the person and say it really loud. I know, it's a feabile attempt at being a rebel, but it's all I've got right now.

My new favorite friend, Worthington (everyone goes by last names here), and I did an eight mile run this morning!!! FREEDOM!!! We enjoyed a great conversation running through the golf course, past ponds, through the woods, and back. Maxwell is actually a very pretty base when you get away from the COT area. We comisserated and discussed our observations about our group. Like most runners, we told some of our own stories too (yeah! a real conversation!). It was great.

This weekend we have some much needed down time. We're studying for a big test on Monday, and we (our squadron- about 100 of the 330) get a pizza party this evening because we had the most people volunteer to give blood for the blood drive they had today. Yes, I gave... got cookies!!

I miss my kiddos. I miss my friends. I try not to think about it too much because I'll start to cry... although that's probably exactly what I need- a good cry. Sometimes I think, "why the heck am I doing this?" Fortunately, the Air Force knew I'd be questioning that (they seem to be thinking for me these days) and provided us with a briefing yesterday on all the "perks" of being on their payroll. Dad, you'll be glad to know I should be getting a check on Tuesday.

I don't think there are words that are expressive enough to convey my gratitude to all of you who are reading this and commenting. It really does help to see your thoughts and encouragements. It's like getting to hear your voices. You're with me all the time.

"Will that be all, Sir?"

Day Eight; 22 To Go!

Can anyone say "EXHAUSTION"??? I was almost to the point of catatonic sitting in class this afternoon. Today was Project X. This involves scenarios, such as "your plane is flying over the jungle and is shot down. You're being pursued by the enemy and have only 20 minutes to cross this gorge with only a 2X4, a rope, and a toothpick (okay, slight exaggeration...) You have a flight member with two broken legs on a stretcher who you have to carry across (they used a dummy- I was hoping I might get this job- lying on the stretcher!)" They don't actually set up a gorge but poles, etc. that represent the gorge. It's a problem solving/leadership activity. It was pretty fun, but very hard. I did get to swing on a rope onto a wall that was about 15 feet high. However, I have a horrible bruise on the back of my right knee that is killing me.

Tempers are beginning to wear thin. We are all falling asleep during breaks but at least our flight commander is very understanding about it. On a brighter note, I got to skip the lunch MRE today because of my "all important" postal pick-up job! I have dinning preference right at noon when I go to get the mail so that I can get back by 1pm.

It rained today!!!!!!!! LOVE THAT!!!

The cleaning people stole my king size pillow!!!! HATE THAT!! I know I shouldn't complain too much... who gets a cleaning service at basic training? :)

As for the indoctrination question, the propaganda here is over the top. I've seen more planes blow things up in the last eight days than I have in my entire life! I'm really not too much of an "action adventure" movie fan, and I'm at the point of just not even looking at the screen anymore when the stuff comes on. You have to be seriously "patriotic" to really get into this. I can see where it would really appeal to 18 year old boys trying to find their way in the world. Imagine all those GO ARMY commercials you've seen on TV. Now imagine watching them 23 times in one day! (okay, maybe a slight exaggeration again)

Better get to sleep.....

"Off we go, into the wild blue yonder!"

Carry On!!

I'm multi-tasking... sitting in a flight meeting crammed into a dorm room with 16 people. Today we completed the assault course. No, this does not involve guns.... it's really just a big obstacle course. It was actually FUN! The first "fun" so far! Although it was very hot and very dirty. We did the low crawl, face in the dirt. I have learned that I really don't like sand in my mouth.

For those psychologists and mental health professionals reading this, our group is entering the "storming" phase of group process. Yes, I am enjoying watching the people become very frustrated with our leader, questioning her decisions, and starting to simply ignore what she says. Poor girl. She's a brand new dentist, and she probably had no idea what she was getting herself into becoming the leader. I, however, knew exactly what leading this group would be like. Therefore, I am the postal officer, which has turned out to be a bigger job than I imagined. Think 330 people, all getting mail? I had the backseat of my car completely full of boxes and cards/letters. (I got one from my mom, thanks, mom!) It's fun to be the person who gets to deliver those boxes!

Tomorrow we go to Project X. I'm not exactly sure what this entails, but I sense it is a field problem solving exercise where we will have been told to bring a change of clothes and old shoes. Our flight commander (instructor) said, "I wouldn't stand in the water with an open wound." That's a little unnerving.

Today for breakfast... an MRE. Meatball Marinara at 5am is not exactly my idea of breakfast. Tomorrow I'll take a granola bar with me. We didn't get lunch until 12:00pm and dinner at 6:30pm. That's a long time to go with only the food you can stuff into your stomach in 9 minutes. The Air Force might just be a fantastic weight loss program!

I have managed to go two meals without mashed potatoes AND I've found the cake! It took awhile because you can't turn around when you're in line and they strategically place the cake in the middle of the serving area, which you have your back to. I kept seeing "cake" on the menu, but I could never find it? I've had German chocolate and tonight a coconut vanilla. Yummy!

It's late... gotta get to bed. To quote my flight commander as he leaves the room....

"CARRY ON"!!!!!

Happy Fourth of July!!!

First, let me say, I'm imagining you all getting together today with your friends and families, having hamburgers and hot dogs, deviled eggs, chips, watermelon, homemade ice cream, chocolate cake, etc. I celebrated the 4th by venturing out and having BBQ pork spare ribs with pinto beans for lunch! My first meal that did not involve chicken and mashed potatoes! I even had a piece of strawberry cake! YIPPEE!!! I managed to consume it in a mere 9 minutes!!! Don't forget... that includes the three 8 ounce glasses of water I must drink at every meal. I wonder if they have a marathon for eating? I might be a Boston qualifier??

My observations so far....

1. These young people need to take a chill pill. Maybe I'm too old for this? I have a really poor attitude about giving a rat's ass sometimes. I can't seem to care if my name tag is perfectly centered above my right pocket, or my shoelaces are tucked into my shoes, or my captain's bars are exactly one inch above the bottom of my collar perfectly centered and parallel. If I get yelled at, honestly, I don't really care too much. I've learned: I am not as anal retentive/OCD as I thought I was.

2. I have accepted a most prestigious position here at COT: Official Flight Postal Officer. Yes, friends, I volunteered for the least labor intensive, yet highly responsible position (read with sarcasm). My goal here is to do as little as possible and sleep as much as I can. This position affords me the opportunity to get into my car about one or two times per week (cool, huh!) and drive to the post office to pick up the mail for all 330 people (there will be another person with me), bring it back, and then get the mail for the 16 people in my flight. If you are interested in sending me any cards (hint, hint) the address is as follows:

Capt. Amanda McCorkindale, COT 09-05 India
550 E. Maxwell Blvd. #9000
Maxwell, AFB, AL 36112-500

Yes, folks, I've always said that I wanted to go to India someday. God has a great sense of humor! I'm in a flight (group of 16) called "India." If this is anything like the real India, I ain't goin'!

3. The alarm goes off at 4:30am regardless of if it is a duty day or not. I know this because the speaker for the sound system is situated directly outside my window.

As always, not much time so I need to get back to "studying." I've been screwing off on the internet (I am sooooo glad I bought this broadband card for my computer!). I might even enjoy a cup of coffee! ;)

Thank you all for your postings. Please, keep sending them. I need all the encouragment I can get right now. Even though thinking about you all makes me start to cry. No time for that.

30 days to go

Okay... I've got ten minutes to write something on this blog.... (read that as if I'm yelling at you at the top of my lungs!)

1. It is really, really hot in these uniforms (picture fatigues, long sleeves, canvas material with a camel pack on your back)

2. They yell a lot here and there are definitely some personality disorders amongst the group of instructors

3. I have eaten chicken and mashed potatoes for the last four meals. I was lucky to get french toast for breakfast. I ate my first MRE last night for dinner: meatballs in marinara (pretty much Chef Boy-R-dee, I think that's how you spell that? It took me back to childhood. Thanks, mom, for breaking me in!)

4. I have a nice flight commander (yes, I am extremely lucky... he does not yell at us and is actually pretty respectful... did I mention how lucky I am??)

5. I have learned that the greatest pleasure in life is getting to use the toilet when you really need to go

Signing off.... more later!

"Ride, Captain, Ride Upon Your Mystery Ship"

Today is the BIG day! The one we've all been waiting for, the big one, the new start, the end of the line, the... okay, you get the picture. So my mom has been bugging the crap out of me to do this, and it might be a nice way to chronicle my thoughts and observations of the experience known as Joining the Military (cue menacing music).

I drove from Harrison to Montogomery yesterday listening to some great CDs that my friends put together for me. Everything from "Sweat" by C & C Music Factory (Mary's pick) to "You've Got a Friend" (thanks for that tear-jerker, Lucia) to the above, title of this blog (nice one, Melissa). Thanks to all of you who contributed your music. I absolutely love the CD. It's like having a little piece of you everywhere I go. Melinda put together some selections she titled, "Arbitrary Diversions" with instructions to me not to analyze it or try to find any hidden meanings in there- they're just random songs. However, she was wrong! She threw in some songs with a lot of meaning! :)
That song from Hope Floats, yeah, that was in there, and then "Just Like Heaven" by the Cure, mhmm, that one's got some meaning too. The CDs helped pass the miles and were a nice distraction from the spinning thoughts in my mind. I made it to Montgomery by 7:45pm, checked into a hotel, and got a pizza. I was asleep by 9:30pm.

This morning has been pretty lazy with a four mile run, some reviewing of paperwork, and checking email. Speaking of email, Melissa sent a quotable quote (italics are mine):

Choosing Faith Over Fear
Faith demands that, despite our fear, we get as close as possible to the truth of the present moment so that we can offer our hearts fully to it, with integrity. Faith is willing to engage the unknown, not shrink back from it. Faith doesn’t mean the absence of fear. It means having the energy to go ahead, right alongside the fear. The word courage in English has the same etymological root as the French coeur, which means “heart.” With courage we openly acknowledge what we can’t control, and place our hearts wisely on our ability to connect with the truth of the moment and to move forward into the uncharted terrain of the next moment.
We might (and often must) hope and plan and arrange and try, but faith enables us to be fully engaged while also realizing that we are not in control. To be able to make an intense effort—to heal, to speak, to create, to alleviate our suffering or the suffering of others—while guided by a vision of life with all its mutability, evanescence, dislocations, and unruliness, is the particular gift of faith.
-Sharon Salzberg

[Gulp] brought me to tears, the first of several this morning (and I'm anticipating many more to come). So, here I am... ready for the adventure. I'll try real hard not to get too sappy and whinny. The purpose of the blog is to provide you all (anyone who wants to read it) with an inside view of what it is like to "join the military." Being one who has historically been pretty critical of the military, I find it rather ironic that this is where I am... but then, you already saw the irony too. ;)

Ride on....