Standing on the Edge

 This one isn’t about “the other side”…. at least not yet. 

My blogging is typically reflections on moments in my life that have already occurred, and I am solidly standing on the other side of the life event. That being said, I think this is maybe a first for me? I’m standing on the edge, and I’m not even sure that I’m looking over it or out beyond it just yet. I’m just trying to be present with the standing on the edge part right now. 

About three weeks ago I did a routine colonoscopy because that’s what you’re supposed to do when you turn 50 (I had rescheduled it twice and couldn’t come up with an excuse to reschedule again). Turns out it’s a really good thing that I followed through because some “cancery” type cells were growing in my gut.  Without going into my very limited vocabulary on such things as colons and masses and dysplasias and lesions, etc., a longest wait ever but also a whirlwind resulted in a PET scan, a surgery consult, and a date to have what feels to me like a whole lot of my colon and intestinal track to be removed. Sure, I’m probably being dramatic here, I know that, but as I tell my patients, “it’s your experience; you are entitled to your feelings about it and DO NOT compare it to your perception of others’ experiences.” 

So… “what is now?” This is a grounding question I often use in therapy to get people to focus on the present moment and the things they can control when their world seems out of control. Sometimes that can literally be what is in their immediate awareness, like the computer screen, the window, the birds chirping, the keyboard at my fingertips, etc.  What is my now?… “Now is: rearranging your entire schedule and plan for the next two months; now is cancelling two highly sought after training opportunities in the two careers you’re balancing; now is figuring out what to expect in this surgery and what occurs after it; now is taking a deep breath; now is enjoying (or trying to) food and wine while you can; now is being so grateful that you have healthcare at your fingertips and this won’t cost you a dime; now is getting in some gardening, finishing some projects, going swimming and kayaking while you can, and feeding your hummingbirds. Those little guys need you and you may have to ask someone else to cover the feeder refills for a few weeks. Actually, come to think of it… you’re going to have to figure out how to let other people take care of a bunch of stuff, and you’re going to have to let go of your sense of responsibility to those you work with on the daily. That means the coworkers and team members, but even harder: the Veterans. Now is also being present with fear. And that’s okay. Fear is normal. Okay, I’m rambling and this is starting to sound less like grounding and more like ruminating. 

Standing on the edge is a hard place to be, and it’s a good reminder of what so many people deal with on the daily. The edge is the place where contemplation occurs, information is taken in, and options are considered. Sometimes that involves taking a step back and away; sometimes it means leaning forward to see how far the fall might be or what the landing could look like. It’s the place right before the decision. The edge is part of being human and teaches us to trust that “The Universe is always conspiring on our behalf.” I am on the edge with a couple of different aspects of life right now. But, first I have to deal with this gut issue. Gotta listen to my gut and take care of it first. Take care of me first.  <3 

Just How Much Are You Worth?

 Admirer to the Artist: “Wow! This painting is so beautiful! How long did it take for you to create this?”

Artist: “72 years.” 

I recently heard this on a podcast in the context of determining one’s worth or value, and I felt like it really resonated with me. As a psychologist, it is difficult (sometimes) to put a monetary value on the hourly rate that we are “worth.” Am I worth $60 an hour? $125 an hour? $200 an hour? More??? 

I’ve struggled with this over the past year and mentally explored many different perspectives on assigning value or worth to what I do for a living. I’ve even calculated the hourly wage with consideration of vacation, sick, and military leave time, and I’ve tried to include the monetary value of the VA’s contribution to my Thrift Saving Plan (I don’t use their insurance but that is a whole other consideration). Of course, these are all just numbers and can be a rabbit hole to which there is no end. 

So, to put the above quote into context: I heard this on a podcast I routinely listen to and the speaker was talking to the listener who was trying to determine what his work was worth. He was trying to give measure to his creativity, effort, drive, motivation, and experience, and the overall tone of the conversation was that he was underestimating his worth. The speaker told this story of a friend of hers who is an artist and had created a beautiful painting. The speaker was admiring the art and inquiring about what it took to create such a beautiful masterpiece! The answer from the artist?.…. 72 years. I snickered and chuckled a bit to myself. Perhaps the painting was actually painted in 72 hours? But the artist had 72 YEARS of experience, creativity, failures, successes, lessons learned, hardships, setbacks, and the development of genuine talent to create the masterpiece along with the wisdom to her craft. 

Years matter. Lived experience matters. And the culmination of all of that is the true definition of your value or worth. It’s still hard to put a dollar figure on that, but at least considering the idea helps me to be a little more generous with myself. 

I know there will be a day when dollars don’t matter…. and some days, that’s today. When I share some wisdom or experience with a young woman in her late 20s or 30s, and I can see the light bulb go off that says, “wait, what? I don’t have to live like this? This isn’t the way it has to be?” I feel like I’ve used my experience, time, and talent to create a masterpiece. 

Observations from the Other Side: of Leadership

 “Good leaders use the tools they have to take care of their people. And they persist… until the job is done.”  -Me

During my time as Chief Psychologist, I was given the feedback “you are so persistent” or “you just never gave up on that” or “wow, I didn’t ever think that would be resolved but you made it happen”…. and the one I appreciated the most: “thank you for doing everything you could to help me and make it right. You have no idea what that means to me.” 

I learned early on that I needed a folder in my Outlook called “Things to Follow Up On.” I would send an email to try to help resolve a situation or problem, and then I would immediately move that Sent email into this folder. I checked the folder about twice a week, and when I would notice that it had been 3-5 days  (or a week? whatever seemed appropriate) since not receiving a response, I would send a follow up email. This was one of my many strategies for ‘taking care of business’ in a work world that has so many excessive and unnecessary barriers to progress. It’s the government…. embrace the suck and find a way to work around it. 

I’m just a worker bee now. A psychologist seeing patients, providing the best mental health treatment I can, and… well, I guess I could still say, “taking care of business.” Just serving a different population… Veterans instead of Employees. 

I am currently serving on a committee that is designed to provide feedback to leadership about what employees need, want, and see as problems within the organization. The process is a very good one while the reality is that many leaders tend to “pencil whip it” (a term I was introduced to in the military). They (and we; I’m guilty of it too) just throw together a response or sign off on something that they don’t really review, understand, or take stock in. As a former boss used to say, we “drink from a fire hose,” which means they don’t pay attention to some of the things that could, actually, reduce some of the fires they deal with everyday. I totally get it, and I empathize… I lived it. 

Too often we hear, “we can’t do that because….” (insert some historical event/process/former leader’s practice). Challenging the status quo is probably one of my strengths. Sometimes strengths can get us in trouble, but I just can’t help myself from asking, “but Why?” If the answer is “because it’s always been done this way” or “the committee has always denied that.” My response is: maybe we need to take a look at how the system is set up; let’s take a look at the policy, the regulation, or the directive, or (at the very least) what’s the right thing to do. 

Great leaders have empathy. And persistence. Maybe even to a fault? I don’t know? where do we draw the line in being “too much” or to “know our place”? The line for this old girl just keeps moving in the direction of taking care of business for the people. Because those people are taking care of the people who matter most: the Veterans. 

Persistence eventually pays off…. never give up. And get the job done. 

“New Year, New YOU!”

SEPTEMBER 2022:

I’ve started this blog post a hundred times in my mind and at least three or four times in actual writing. Plus I’ve kept notes in my phone of thoughts that come up for me as I’m out walking or meditating. Stepping off the career ladder is not an easy thing to do, and it comes with A LOT of thoughts and feelings. I think I’ve run the gamut and am now circling back on those feelings so it’s probably time for me to get some of the thoughts written down. 

Writing is vulnerable for me, and I feel drawn to it. Or, more like a nudge… like I get these little taps on the shoulder and whispers, “you gonna write that down?” or “you should write about that.” Or, “hey, I wonder what would happen if you wrote some of that down?” I’ve listened to all my favorite writers turned podcasters talk about writing and have finally come to the conclusion that I just need to sit down and…. write. 

So, here I am, Universe!! Let’s do some writing again!! 

About what?………

Tomorrow I am going to meet with the photographer who I actually paid really good money to take pictures of me on my 50th birthday. I wish I had snapshots of the reactions of some of my friends when I told them I was doing this. Or my mother. Her reaction was especially priceless. Women just really struggle with pictures of themselves. I’m one of those women so you know… “do the thing that scares you” so I did. 

It was called “The Empowerment Experience,” and it spoke to me because it seemed fitting for where I am in life. As I was approaching 50, I saw an advertisement come across my Facebook newsfeed, and I was really impressed by the appealing words and the studio shots I saw of ordinary women who looked incredibly ‘boss’ in these gorgeous pictures. I really hope that Kelsey transformed me into a gorgeous super model like the other women in her photos. If not, I’ll just know that I can’t quit my day job. 

Speaking of jobs, mine has changed. I guess that brings me back to the origins of this writing because I need to write about how I’ve stepped off the career ladder. Yep. I got about as high as I think I’ll ever go in the VA and decided it wasn’t really for me. I’m not climbing anymore; quietly easing on down those ladder rungs to get a little closer to the ground. To get grounded. 

Leadership in VA is a complicated, multifaceted relationship. ……AND CUT!

JANUARY 2023:

I didn’t publish that first part but this window on my browser has been sitting open for four months waiting for me to finish it. I’ve been contemplating getting back into writing on this blog for months now. I’ve started and stopped several times. I’ve written and deleted. Made notes but never actually wrote about them. Spent hours thinking about it. 

“New Year, New You” they say…. maybe 2023 will be the year I actually start this thing. I have a lot on my mind about leadership and career progression and professional disappointments and reflections on work life. I take daily walks and listen to the podcast “We Can Do Hard Things” by Glennon Doyle, Abby Wambach, and Amanda Doyle, and I am frequently reminded that, in life, we don’t really have to seek out the hard things to do. Life is going to give us hard things, and the real trick is to figure out how to keep life as simple as possible while also feeling fulfilled. 

My work life has changed, and it has not been an easy process to set the ego aside; to not achieve the next promotion; to “just be a therapist” again. But I’m settling into it and finding the benefits of less stress and more time. Hopefully this will mean more writing. 

Professional Disappointments: things you can’t learn from a book

On Tuesday I am going to be on a panel giving a talk about professional disappointments and how those experiences build resilience to the soon to be graduating internship class. Although this doesn’t really require a lot of preparation (because I can tell that story like no other!!), it has prompted me to think about resurrecting this old blog. I read back through some of those original posts, and I was immediately carried back to the feelings I had at that time. Excitement, fear, anticipation, fear, pride, fear, relief, fear... you get the picture. I made that leap 11 years ago, which is really hard to believe, and I’ve come such a long way since then; yet, those feelings are seared into my memory and reading those words can take me back there with such ease. Anyway, not to get too far off topic... professional disappointments: when things don’t go the way we planned... let’s see where this goes.

For me, this probably started the year after I graduated from undergrad. With my bachelor’s degree in hand, my plan was to take a year off and then start grad school. I remember a conversation I had with one of my professors who said, “you should take some time and experience life before you start grad school. Have some life experience under your belt.” Well, that sounded like a stupid idea. Who needs life experience?? I’ve got to get right back to the grindstone and get that master’s degree! I’m not really sure exactly where that plan got derailed, but it took 10 years and a divorce to get back on that track. Life experience happened... a lot of it. When I entered grad school, I was terrified that I was not going to be able to do it. As a single parent of two commuting to the closest school I could get into, I looked around the room and saw all these young faces. I felt incredibly intimidated and like I wanted to disappear; be invisible. Fast forward several months, and I figured out that the professor from undergrad was right... life experience is worth so much more than what can be learned in a book. I found my grove in connecting what I was learning to what I had learned, and I was grateful for those ten years of life.

The next great disappointment came with internship interviews. I had proven myself to be a rockstar at my grad school, and I expected that I’d be well received out in the big wide world of internship programs. I’d worked really, really hard and had made A LOT of sacrifices of time and money. I applied to 10 or 15 programs, had good letters of recommendation, and what I thought to be well-written essays. I poured my heart out through that process, and I was disappointed to discover that I was only invited to three interviews. In hindsight I see a thousand different reasons why this happened, but at the time I knew myself to be a rock star.... a stand out amongst my peers. I was “going places” (with the eventual plan to land back in my hometown where my kids had to remain because of a divorce agreement I had made years before). As I write this and think back to that grad student I was then, I just want to give her a hug and tell her that she really didn’t get the kind of mentoring and advice she deserved. Anyway, that’s another blog... onward with the greatest professional disappointment!!

The big day finally came... my future would be laid before me... where I would be for the next year... the moment I’d been waiting for... the... wait...what?.. how could this happen?... but I’m a rock star?!?!? No!!! This is was not part of the plan!! No internship site wanted me. Well, actually one probably did, but I had decided not to rank it because I didn’t want to go there (the school’s consortium that had several sites in the southwest Missouri and north Arkansas areas). I’d had big plans for myself to be in an APA accredited internship program that was within a 5-6 hour radius of my hometown (where my kids would have to remain), but those plans came crumbling down. Panic and fear and disappointment and fear and shame and fear and self-loathing and... well, you get the picture. Fear. I’d worked so hard. Fear... was it all for naught? Self-doubt and fear... was I not the rock star I’d thought myself to be? Was I going to have to settle with the consortium and some small clinic in southern Missouri that wasn’t APA accredited? Was all this grad school thing really worth it? Not just disappointment... total professional devastation. Annihilation.

In the days and weeks to follow, I would discover that opportunity can be born of the greatest disappointment; that the best laid plans don’t always hold the best possible outcomes; and that it can take a complete loss to show us that there is more out there in the world for us. I vividly remember my friend Brandie saying, “Wilford Hall Medical Center in San Antonio... it’s APA accredited” and my reply, “that’s the Air Force.” Her response: “let’s apply!” My next thought, which I didn’t even have time to express before she was sending off my application materials, was “that won’t happen.” But, it did.

In preparation for writing this and considering the panel discussion, I read a couple of articles supplied by a colleague. One article addressed the advantage one has if she is expected to be a high performer, and the other discussed the underdog effect, essentially that when you have nothing to lose you are willing to take more risks. I reflected on my own situation as I walked a few miles. I had so much to lose, but it wasn’t pride or a need to “save face.” I made that leap to the Air Force because it was the next logical step for me on the career journey. It was also something I would have never considered had I not been in the predicament of not matching for internship. The Air Force provided everything I was looking for in an internship as well as the job security, healthcare coverage, and salary that I needed in order to make it all work when having to leave my kids behind. It came with a lot of risks too... and fear and sacrifice and fear and unknowns and fear.... And, I learned some very valuable lessons by leaping into that fear. In the words of my former therapist: “it will all be bigger and better than you could ever imagine.”

Eleven years later, it is. This life I live now is bigger and better than I’d ever imagined. I sometimes wonder what life would have looked like had I taken the other path, the easy road. I had that choice and turned it down. I could have ended up in a small clinic in Missouri then back in my hometown, which was the ultimate plan at the time. I’m so grateful for the biggest professional disappointment (so far). Life has a way of teaching us so much more than we can learn from a book.

Today I got notification that my separation date from the Air Force is official: 19 Aug 2013

Tomorrow I turn 40

Why are those two things happening together? I'm not sure what to make of it with the exception of I'm getting older, and I dropped my separation paperwork last week. Is that purely coincidental, or do those two events have some kind of connection?

Right now I find myself reflecting on my 30s. What did the 30s mean to me? How has my life changed since 29? What did I expect? What did I accomplish? Any regrets? What do I want to do with the next 10 years?

When I turned 30, I was a married mother of a 9 year old and 5 year old. Emily had just started kindergarten, and I had just started a new job at the Harrison School District. I remember being so excited to have the same school schedule as the kids and to be finishing my time with St. John's on such a good note. My work there was done, and it was time to move on. 

The 30s have involved a whole lot of change and growth. Divorce, deciding to go to graduate school, completing a Master's thesis and then a dissertation, commuting back and forth to Springfield (all those late nights!), giving up just about every weekend for studying, and then the difficult decision to join the Air Force and leave my babies. Sacrifice is the word that comes to mind. Not just what I went through with that decision, but also what my kids have endured. As a result, we've all grown, and we have grown stronger together because of it. I remember the agony of making that decision and the fears of what could come of it. All those fears have been unfounded. Everything has worked out just fine, and I have a great relationship with my kids. 

I've traveled a lot too over the past ten years! New Zealand... that monumental trip! Thailand with Melissa, Alaska and Oregon with Margaret, a solo trip to California with a drive up the coastal highway, New York City on the 5th and 10th anniversarys of the World Trade Center bombings, Washington D.C. for my first Air Force adventure, Boston and another great solo trip with a drive to Cape Cod, Buffalo, NY (Niagara Falls and Lilydale, home of all the best psychics!), San Diego to see my Marine graduate basic training, New Orleans with my best AF friends, and most recently a family vacation to Florida. Family.... I like the sound of that.... in all this adventure and growth and learning, I have also found a "very special friend" who makes me smile, treats my children well, and allows me to be myself. Encourages it, actually.

I've experienced some loss and tears too. The end of a marriage I tried so hard to keep together; an excruciatingly painful decision which impacted so many, especially Austin and Emily. The death of Grandpa Bob, affectionately known as "the grouch," and the end of a life so well lived when my sweet grandmother passed away. I've made some great friends in grad school and the AF, and our lives have gone in different directions. I've learned how to say good bye.... especially when that means putting my own needs first. 

I've run a lot of miles. I wish I could have kept count!! My mind flashes to memories of the endless country roads of Arkansas with some very fabulous women who I could not have made this journey without. My heart aches with pride and love and satisfaction when I think of my wonderful girlfriends!! Both those who run, and those who swim or lift weights or do yoga or chase their kids around ball fields! I have been immensely blessed with friends. I've accomplished two marathons, Alaska and San Antonio, as well as several half marathons, including New Zealand. I met a boy who likes to ride bikes, and I managed to get in a 100 mile ride before closing out the 30s. This has been the decade to push the body to its extreme in order to see what it can do! Thank you legs.... sending you gratitude!

I am a psychologist. I am a doctor. I am a Captain in the United States Air Force. I am a mom, a friend, a sister, and a very grateful daughter. I am a partner to a wonderful man who treats me like a princess. I am so thankful for this beautiful life I have!..... Which takes me back to that initial question of turning 40 and separating from the Air Force.... I think I've figured something out over the past 10 years.... my family and my friends really matter to me. They matter more than anything else, and as cool as it would be to travel the world, live in Europe, do some kind of fellowship, and become a Colonel, I've decided it just wouldn't be the same without "my people." I'm home, and I think I'll stay here awhile. 

Dear 40s, you look so very good! Most of my friends have already met you, and I absolutely love, adore, admire, and respect those women! They set the bar high, and I can only hope to do you proud the way they have! I don't know what you have in store for me, but what I know for sure is that "the best is yet to come!" Let's do it....

"And she lived happily ever after!" -Walt Disney

I haven't done much "observing from the other side" in quite awhile. I think that's a direct reflection of how full and active my life has been over the past year. Probably fewer melancholy moods too. However, this weekend I found myself tearing up over a mealtime prayer on the 4th of July, and I've done some observing over the past few days as to what that was all about. So I thought it might be a good time to write something down.

My friend, Rocky, whose wife is about to pop with the birth of their first child, recently found out he will be deploying in Feb 2012. He's taking it like a real trooper even though the Air Force is making him go to SERE training and the Army's combat skills training. He gets the pleasure of spending nine days running around the woods of Washington state trying to survive in order to "practice" what it would be like to be captured by the enemy. He even gets to kill an animal (his choice: a sweet innocent bunny rabbit or a chicken; I'd do in the chicken). In the end he knows he'll get captured so they can "practice" torturing him by putting him in a small box with sensory deprivation. All the while, he'll be missing both Thanksgiving and Christmas as well as his son's 1st birthday. He'll end up spending 3 months in training and 6 months in Afghanistan, and then, as he's already told the AF, he will exit the military having paid his dues.

Needless to say, my motivation for licensure is in the toilet. I'm taking this as another sign that I need to quit studying for the EPPP and not worry about the licensure test until the end of my commitment so as to avoid that fate for myself. Okay, study avoidance, I know. In all honesty, I have such mixed feelings about this test and passing it. I can't commit in my mind to doing it. I keep going back and forth.... "Yes, this is what I'm going to do even if it means 8 months of deployment; it's the right thing to do." But, I don't want to study! I want to play with my kids and my very special friend!! I want to read fun books and magazines! I want to ride my bike and do yoga and go for runs and drink coffee and look at Facebook and wash the dog or clean the bathrooms.... anything but study!!! The financial incentive doesn't help. The 'making rank' incentive means nothing to me. However, there was one thing that inspired me... Rocky.

Rocky is one of these guys who is just good as gold! He works hard. He took the EPPP within the first 6 months after internship. He doesn't boast about it, and he totally downplays the significance of the accomplishment. He has applied for the child/adolescent fellowship, and he is working on board certification now. He spent his own money to go to Washington DC for a week to chaperone a bunch of kids around our nation's capitol. Yes, it looks good on his resume, but he spent his own freakin' money to do it! He already has a job lined up once he gets out of the AF, which he was honest about with our "deployment decision maker." He just can't bare the thought of not being around for his not-even-born-yet son. He wants to eventually be the baseball coach and all that other good parenting stuff. He wants to do it all right, and he's willing to make some sacrifices for his child (who isn't even born yet!). Rocky talks about knowing "deployment is part of the deal" and that "if I don't do this, someone else has to." He is selfless. He barely complains (I did finally hear him utter a minimal complaint about the aforementioned deployment decision maker). He will hardly get to meet his little boy before he packs his bags to go live in the dust bowl of Afghanistan, and his little guy won't likely know him much when he gets back.

Then there's my friend, Hannah, who has left her husband and three little kids (ages 8, 6, and 2) behind for the past 6 months while she lives in the 120 degree temperatures of western Afghanistan. In a tent, mind you! I could go on and on.... the point is: these are two stories of highly educated individuals who are giving up their lives and going to austere locations for what? Freedom? I don't think that's quite it. Not our freedom. Freedom for the Afghanie people? Maybe. My friends are doing good work. They are serving the men and women who are serving something so much bigger than "freedom." What is it they're doing this for? I don't know. I guess we all have to figure that out for ourselves. We have to find that thing we hang on to in order to get us through stuff we don't want to do. There has to be a greater purpose. Something so much bigger than ourselves. Maybe for some it's money. Others it might be accomplishment. For others a sense of pride and service.

As for me... the next step is licensure, and it carries such a heavier meaning. I'm still searching for the purpose.